Really. I have no idea what I was thinking going to WalMart after noon on a Sunday. It hit me as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. Way too many people. Thankfully it appeared to be RedNeck day, so I figured I could handle it. After all, I can fit in with RedNeck pretty well. So, stepping out of my truck, I didn’t bother to lock it. It is a small town. Plus my truck is of the age where it does not need a fake ID to be served alcohol. Finally, Bruce was along for the ride. Typically, folks who know anything will not fuck with a vehicle that has a cattle dog near it, let alone in it.
Once I got inside I came across another bad sign. The only available cart had a wheel that would lock up. I went to the other entrance just as someone was bringing a bunch of carts back in. The masses seemed to be wandering slowly and aimlessly through the store. I think that’s when their resemblance to zombies struck me. It’s probably why the “Resident Evil” trilogy hopped into my shopping cart.
The main things I needed were dog food and milk. Items that reside at opposite corners of the store. I attempted to navigate through the areas that past experience had taught me would be less populated. However, that took me by the toy section. Then and there I realized that the real threat in case of the Zombie Apocalypse will not come from the fully grown Zombies but from their spawn. You see the fully grown Zombies move in predictable patterns. The little spawn though, they dart around. I nearly punted one like a football. I swear I did not intend to nearly kick the small one. He darted out at me just as my leg was swinging forward. If it weren’t for the training the chickens and cats have given me, I would not have been able to stop in my tracks to prevent from connecting with the wee one. You see the chickens run up to me from odd angles and they and the cats tend to weave through my legs as I’m walking when they believe there is food involved for them. Thankfully, they have trained me well to be mindful of my steps.
Once I had collected the items I needed and was ready to go I chose to use the self-checkout option. There seemed to be the shortest line there and I figured if the store appeared filled with Zombies, the checkers wouldn’t be any better. As I was scanning my items I realized why there weren’t as many people on that end of the checkouts… the kiddie play-land was right there. That’s right all the evil Zombie spawn who had just been sitting in church behaving themselves sounded like a pack of wild animals that had been caged for months only to have been loosed upon the world seconds prior to my approach to the scanner.
Yes indeed the spawn are the true danger. Even their parents know it, that’s why they leave them there while they shop. The noise from the shrieking and screaming was so distracting I nearly forgot how to run my debit card. I have few doubts there was blood being shed somewhere in that small room. It appeared there even was a guard at the entrance, sending the children back into the room if they happened to attempt to escape into the store.
I managed to make it out in one piece. I must never, ever return to WalMart on a Sunday afternoon though. I know I will not be able to take it.